My sister and her three year boyfriend got in another fight today. Usually it's not a big deal, but lately they have gotten more and more intense and since they live together, one of them always ends up leaving to cool off, which I personally do not think works or helps at all. At least not for them. This time Josh snapped. He started packing things up to leave but he knows that Stephanie can't live there by herself. She doesn't even have a job, let alone money for rent. So being a giant asshole, he tells her to leave and says that he is done fighting with her and can't take it anymore. He tells her to be gone by the time he gets back and leaves her.
Meanwhile, I'm laying in bed with the pressing urgency to urinate, at 12:30 in the afternoon. Lazy ass? yeah, I know. Leave me alone. I'm just about to roll over onto my other side when the phone rings. I answer it. It's Stephanie and I can tell she's crying by the way her voice was cracking. She askls to talk to Mom. She says she is moving back home. I sort of just roll my eyes and give my mom the phone.
In the past few months, Stephanie has "moved back home" like, 10-34820397509341365024395 times. It's a little ridiculous. And it's getting old. But whatever. I don't say anything. Stephanie comes over with some stuff and mopes around the house while I, now freshly out of bed, and getting ready for the gym to make up for my lazyass-ness. I ask Stephanie if she wants to come with me and she accepts.
I'm starting to get worried because she doesn't say anything the entire walk there. We just sort of... mosied on over there. I wanted to know what happened, because she was worrying me and it was finally starting to sink in that maybe, this time, their fight was for real. I don't ask though, I want to be patient for once in my life and let her tell me when she's ready. So I wait. She drops little mumblings like, "I don't know what I'm going to do, Sam." and "He actually broke my
heart." And it kills me inside.
When I think of Stephanie, if someone were to ask me what our relationship is like, or what kind of person she is, I wouldn't explain how she was last week, or yesterday, or last year, or even this morning. Without even thinking about it, I would describe to you the 17 year old girl who was everything I wanted to be, but couldn't. Tall, blonde, and thin, she was me in 5 years. She took care of me, more of a mother than a sister sometimes. If you were to ask me what I loved most about her, it would be the things she did.
I would have to explain to you about the nights that she would sneak into my room, every god damned night, and lay with me. She'd crawl into my bed, wrap her arms around my waist and kiss my hair. She'd ask if I were awake and usually I was, but on many nights I would go to sleep alone and wake up with her arms and legs wrapped around me. Some nights we would talk. About anything and everything. She would tell me what she did, what she planned to do tomorrow, what I should expect when I got to highschool, what she fought with Dad about. Some nights she'd ask if I were awake and when I answered, she'd reply, "well go to sleep sweetheart." and other nights I wouldn't reply, though I was wide awake, and I'd listen to her ramble on about things she didn't think I was hearing. It was those nights, every night, when I listened for the creak of my door, the padding of her footsteps, the soft hitch of her breathing as she lifted the covers and slid in behind me, that I have missed so much the last few years.
It was those nights that I treasured and that made our spectacular relationship. I love my sister now, but I worshipped her then.
I remember when she graduated highschool. I was up in the bleachers with my parents, trying to hold back my few tears, and wished I had sunglasses to block the sun, when she walked down the line. She paused right in front of where I sat, found my face, smiled and blew me a kiss. I bawled my eyes out that day. When the ceremony was over, I was looking frantically for her in the crowd of new graduates but I couldn't find her anywhere. Then finally I spotted her with a couple of her friends, talking in a circle. It was like a movie, now that I think of it. One of her friends pointed over her shoulder at me and she whirled around, smiling. I ran into her arms and she held me while we both cried.
Most of my family, actually probably all of it, if you asked who Stephanie was closest with, would tell you our older sister Heather. She's closer to Stephanie in age and they grew up together more than Stephanie and I did. Only two years older than Steph, Heather taught her things, went to school with her almost every year and confided in Stephanie. they drove together and went out together and had most of the same friends. I was left behind, too young and small and littlesister-ish to do those things with them. I was stuck with our little brother Eric. But when Heather moved out, it was finally my time to be with Stephanie. She was finally all mine, I didn't have to share her since Eric wasn't interested and Heather was too busy. This was when she started coming into my room.
Our family didn't know, still doesn't know that for a good couple of years,
I was the closest to Stephanie. That she was the closest to me. That we were best friends, and not just sisters. That Heather was left behind when Stephanie took
me out driving with her at night. But they don't need to know, because I do.
This is the Stephanie that I seriously, seriously miss. When Stephanie moved out to live with josh, everything changed and we weren't friends anymore. I got my own friends and she had Josh. We left eachother behind to our own lives and not only moved on in live, outgrowing certain clothes and habits, but we outgrew eachother.
Today I finally got a bit of that Stephanie back. She watched movies with me in my room all day, relaxing on my bed. She held me from behind and kissed my hair. I turned areound and hugged her back, knowing that this was precious and I wouldn't have it forever. I didn't know how long this fight between her and Josh would last, but at that moment, while Talledaga Nights played on the miniscule TV in the background, I hoped that it would last at least a few nights longer. I didn't realize until today that I missed Stephanie, even when I saw her every other day. I didn't realize until I had a slice of her back.
I just wish that I could keep it.
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